A guide to understanding lesbians: Part 2
After the somewhat raving reception to our last edition of “A guide to understanding lesbians”, we have written the sequel which provides deep insight into the workings of a lesbian mind.
Q: Is lesbian sex as good as straight one? How?
TC: Actually, it’s better. What’s better than two boobs? Four! Math trumps everything.
Also, NO BIRTH CONTROL! Yayyyyy!!!!
Q: What sort of sexual activity do you indulge in?
Broom: The fun kind. The kinky kind. The romantic kind. The missionary kind. The same kinds as the spectrum of straight people do, basically.
TC: Naughty, naughty! If you want dirty stories, why don’t you just watch some porn? Are not getting enough? Why beat around the bush? Ohmaigod, I punned.
Q: How do you indulge in penetrative sex?
Broom: First of all, not all of us do. And if we do there’s 10 fingers and countless sex toys.
TC: I am convinced you are not watching enough porn.
Q: Which is the most comfortable sexual position for women and why?
Broom: It depends on the woman, moron.
TC: Hey! We are only throwing in a Grammar 101 for free. For sex-ed classes, please send cheque for $101. Videos provided separately. Taxes may apply.
Q: Are sex toys readily available?
Broom: In London, they are, yes.
TC: Seriously, who’s going to pay the rent if we spend our cash on toys! We usually improvise with whatever blunt phallic-shaped household items we can lay our hands on.
Q: Do some lesbian go around or have sexual flings with men to double check if they’re lesbians or just bi-curious?
Broom: Do straight men go around having sexual flings with men to ‘double check’ if they’re bi-curious or just straight?
TC: Children, the plural of lesbian is “lesbians”. To answer your question, it is the unavailability of handsome men like Karan Johar and Anderson Cooper that has driven us to seek pleasure in women. Nothing less will do.
Q: How would you define an ‘appealing lesbian partner’? Physically and emotionally.
Broom: Someone who looks like Chitrangada Singh, is kind, rich and intelligent.
TC: Maybe I was not clear when I said I NEED MORE CLOTHES. MOOAARR.
As long as she is the same size as I am and is generous enough about sharing her clothes, I am super happy. If she can also wax, manicure and pedicure, I would marry her. If she can cook, I’ll co-sign loans, leases, a pact with the devil…ANYTHING!
Q: Say in a group of ten girls at a party, if three are lesbian, what’re the indicators you would use to spot them?
Broom: All lesbians tattoo rainbows on their boobs - it’s the law. So if we suspect someone is a lesbian we ask them to flash us so we can know for sure.
TC: If you turn off the lights, our private parts glow in the dark like little beacons of gayness. Beacons? Runways? Landing strips? Get it? BAZINGA!
Q: Do you try influencing straight people to convert to ‘lesbian’?
Broom: Yes! All the time. We publish manuals on the top 10 ways to encourage people to convert to lesbianism. We have a reward system similar to Amway, for every straight person you convert you get a commission for her and for every straight person she ends up converting. Hide your mothers and sisters, we’re coming to get you.
TC: How can I explain this grammar rule? Okay, people who follow Hinduism are Hindus. People who follow Islam are Muslims. Hence lesbians follow?
Therefore the question should be framed such, “Do you try influencing straight people to convert to ‘lesbianism’?
Look machan, it’s all about the moral salvation. For every lesbian we convert, The Secret Society of Awesomesauce Lesbians ensures that we get a free pass to lesbian heaven, an exclusive after-life club. But with the proliferation of lesbian porn and openly gay celebrities the straight folks need fewer persuasions to come bat for our side. More and more lesbians are crowding our once-exclusive club. All the riff-raff has gotten in and it’s no longer as special or privileged as it used to be. *Sigh* The good ol’ days…
Q: They say, mostly girls who are child abused, grow up to be lesbians. How true? Or why false?
Broom: The only abuse I faced as a child was having to drink Bournvita every morning. Maybe that turns us into lesbians? I should use Bournvita to increase my conversion rate & earn higher commissions.
TC: The question should be framed thus: “How true is this? If false, why?”
Yes. True. As a teenager growing up in the 90s , abuse came in many forms. Seeing Vivek Mushran act, Govinda doing pelvic thrusts, Anil Kapoor baring his chest again and again. This repeated visual assault was aggravated by lyrical ignominies like, “Achikoo Bachikoo Kachikoo”, “Chin China China”, “Hata Saawan ki Ghata”. The only respite was Madhuri doing Dhak Dhak and Kimi Katkar giving Chummas and Juhi going Tu Tu Tu Tu Tara and Raveena’s gyrations in Tu Cheez Baree hai Mast Mast. The 90s were tough times. I am going to lie down now.
Q: Do you always play the ‘husband’ or you flip?
Broom: We take turns. One of us wears a dhoti-kurta & the other wears a sari. While I’m the husband I boss my wife around, don’t do the dishes & demand a dowry. One time I tried to set her on fire. That back-fired when it was her turn to be the husband, though.
TC: I’ve done everything I could to get her to grow her body hair. Once I bought her a Groucho Marx get up, as a hint. But it mysteriously disappeared the following day and no mention was made of it. The next week, I could hear our neighbour groaning “Oh, Groucho! Gimme Mo!”
The best we can do these days is leaving the toilet seat up, just to shake things up a bit. When we feel particularly adventurous, one of us cracks a fart joke!
Q: Do you find yourself more attractive than the other straight girls in your group because men
Broom: This question was incomplete when it was sent to us. Maybe a COPY-PASTE fail?
TC: Look, son… We’re lesbians. Not mind readers.
Q: If a guy proposes you, how would you refuse?
Broom: By shaking my head vigorously? I’d also call our brother organisation ‘Gay Conversions’ and send them a potential lead for converting a straight man into a gay man.
TC: I always start by saying I like women. The nice, understanding blokes feel a bit crushed but they take it well. The ones who insist that we are just confused? I say, “Okay, but I am not a chaste virgin.” That makes 90% of them disappear. The ones who persist, I tell them about my STD. That always works.
Q: When you think about your partner, what do you fantasize?
Broom: I fantasize about her putting away her shoes, doing the laundry & cooking me a nice dinner so I can find the time to fantasize.
TC: I fantasize about wearing her shoes, freshly ironed clothes and the steaming dinner she cooks for me.
Q: Do lesbians have g-spots?
Broom: Is the lesbian in question physiologically a woman? Yes? Ok, does that answer your question?
TC: What are G-spots? No relation to polka dots I suppose? A skin affliction? The only spots I know are the ones zits leave behind.
We also have G-strings, if you’d like to wear some.
Q: What you miss about having sex with a man?
Broom: Missing the point, aren’t we? AGAIN.
TC: The correct way to frame this question is, “What ‘do’ you miss about having sex with a man?”
Where do I begin? Perhaps having my nipples being tweaked like the dials of a radio? Or maybe the part where I must bargain to do a week of chores in exchange for wearing condom? Or perhaps having my head pushed down in the hopes of getting blown? Or maybe the part where they roll over and sleep when we’re done? God, I miss it so much… I am cruising the straight bars tonight.
Q: Ranbir is polular amongst who’s the one amongst lesbian? And why?
Broom: Another horribly typed question. I’m assuming he meant Ranbir is popular amongst the gay community, who’s popular amongst the lesbian community - I’m thinking the answer is Katrina.
TC: This question contains so much gibberish, I don’t even know where to begin. I will attempt to demystify this cryptic puzzle.
Do you mean pustular? What a terribly rude thing to say. Also two much amongst in there for my comfort.
Oh POPULAR. Yes, yes, he’s certainly popular. We’re just using Ranbir as bait to bond with seemingly straight women. After a few drinks, we have them convinced that we’re soul sisters and then we devolve to being soul-mates. All a part of the grand-conversion-scheme.
Q: Do lesbians meet girls for ‘no strings attached sex’?
Broom: If he knew MJ, he wouldn’t ask that question!
TC: Are you asking for G-strings again? Way to be, subtle… jeez!
Q: Are there ‘lesbian call girls’? Or have you ever heard about it?
Broom: I haven’t heard about it, but I’m sure there are.
TC: Yes. But I am not giving you their number!
Q: What type of lesbian you wouldn’t date?
Broom: The kind that’s in the closet & refuses to ever come out. Although, once upon a time that was me.
TC: The correct way to frame this question is, “What type of lesbians would you not date?” (note: A kind reader pointed out that, this could be written also written thus: ‘What type of lesbian would you not date?’)
As for the answer to your question: The ones who are thinner than me. How will I ever fit into their clothes?!
Q: Are lesbian pornons [sic] popular?
Broom: Yes, amongst straight men, mostly.
TC: Porn-ons are no turn-ons.
Q: Do lesbians feel more masculine with a strap-on dildo for [sic]?
Broom: Depends on the lesbian. And not all of us want to/need to feel masculine or need a strap on to make us feel like masculine - whatever ‘masculine’ means, anyway.
TC: HELLO! Mind reading, again? Didn’t your momma teach you to complete your questions?
Q: Do leasbians discuss sex more than straight couples together? Are they more passionate?
Broom: Is there a quantifiable amount that defines how much straight couples discuss sex? It depends on the couple.
TC: Okay, I said grammar lessons. NOT spelling classes.
As for your answer, could you perhaps be kind enough to send us a taped weekly recording of all the sexual conversations you’re having with your partner? I promise to not judge or share. But if we must compare, we need to work with real quantifiable data. For passion quotient, we will create an impartial panel consisting of gay men since they neither belong to your team nor mine. Okay, brother? Winner buys sex-toys.
Q: Are they also more sexually active?
Broom: Depends on the couple.
TC: Please send weekly stats as stated above. Protection from feeling inadequate, not guaranteed.
Q: Tell us about lesbian quickies?
Broom: There’s no such thing! Lesbian sex lasts for hours, sometimes days.
TC: Funny story. Once we competed with Maggi noodles to see which would be done faster. We forgot about the competition and the noodles on the stove and our house caught on fire. But we kept it up through the raging flames. Yes, we live on the edge.
Q: You have sex during your period?
Broom: I try not to do anything that requires any energy during my period.
TC: We stop for nothing! Periods are for wimps! We live on the edge!
Q: Do you also check for STDs?
TC: NO! WE LIVE ON THE EDGE!
Q: What is it about a lesbian that’s most ‘beautiful’?
Broom: It’s the rainbow tattoo on our boobs.
TC: Never having to worry about birth control! No more condoms… Booyah!
Q: Are threesome popular amongst lesbians?
Broom: No idea!
TC: The only time my partner and I tried it with an over-enthusiastic third wheel, our limbs got horribly mangled and we were stuck together for days, until we were separated through surgical means.
And on that note, we conclude this exciting compendium of incisive answers to The Straight Man’s questions on “What are lesbians made of?” Please feel free to leave your own answers in the comments to any questions that catches your fancy.